Making sense of love

Wow I find the craziest stuff when I take a break from things, this is an OLD blog post I had started to write back in January 26th of 2010! It’s been sitting in my “Drafts” for the longest time. So below is a couple of paragraphs you can read and might get a peek into the way I am.

How do you let go after so long of holding onto an emotion like love for someone for what seems like half of my damn life? I am sitting here…listening to my best friend blab away on the phone. I can’t really hear him through these walls. It’s hard living with your best friend that you are in love with. I just don’t know how it is I can not hurt right now…but somehow I don’t. There is a long story I don’t really want to get into right now.

I feel a major change coming in the air…maybe it’s because I am moving on in my life and leaving behind some of the guilt and depression I have built up within me throughout these years of loving him and never having the chance to give or show love to them fully. And finally showing myself love instead and not relying on a wish and a prayer.

They always say you can’t bring a horse to water. I’ve tried everything in my power to show him that I am worthy of being loved, that I am the best thing since the invention of the goddamn wheel! It’s TRUE! I am THAT cool! Instead I am always the friend, and for years I beat myself up thinking I wasn’t good enough. Not but a few days ago I really looked over the whole situation and I should have never done that to myself. It’s not his or my fault he can’t see me in that light. Oh don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried…but every damn time he bypassed me and went for some crazy person…it drives me nuts!

And when it all comes crashing down I am there to help him back up and be his friend. And it’s so unbelievably hard not to show my feelings to him, yet he always see’s it anyway. And every time I feel like a complete fool. I guess I wear my heart on my sleeve and sometimes I pray I wish I could be a cold hard bitch and not be so emotional and open about whatever it is I am feeling from total disgust to love. People who know me…know what I am feeling usually just by looking at my face. It’s freakin’ disturbing!

In the end I just want to see all of us happy and it kills me that I have to learn how to let go of him and live my life. Cause obviously what I have been doing isn’t working, and will never work. But I know myself and I will always love him, how can you stop that? So to let go…I am so scared to just let go. Where will my heart go now? I don’t know…

Wow after reading that it makes me happy to see how far I have come emotionally from that certain situation. And you know being human is kinda hard being all emotional and on top of that hormonal female…next lifetime I wanna be a manly man man! Huge muscles and no heart. LOL Yeah right I’d probably still cry like a baby at feel good movies and cute puppy pictures! There is no hope for humans and the emotion of love, but there is always growth and learning. 🙂

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