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Tonight I Fear Not

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I witness thoughts & words born of brilliance
We listen as creation falls still born from a mouth loved
Tell me do those ears hear a soul wailing
Music…between the lines…lyrics begging for breath
Play now with an open heart that is unafraid and untethered
Bury the past and sing its dirge to the nights silent wake

Author: Carrie Lewis
Date: October 2, 2014 @ 3:32 a.m.

Note: I was thinking how fear keeps creation from happening. Fear I have held onto stupidly within myself and fear I see in others.

Breaking free and just being is what I am working on, and happiness will be mine because I tried! I stopped singing for a long time a couple times in my life. I realized tonight those were the times when I would feel suicidal, empty, alone. Once I opened up again and forgot the fear that someone I loved would not like my singing…I WAS ALIVE AGAIN!

They say life is a work in progress. Hey man I’m working on it. 😉

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Making sense of love

Wow I find the craziest stuff when I take a break from things, this is an OLD blog post I had started to write back in January 26th of 2010! It’s been sitting in my “Drafts” for the longest time. So below is a couple of paragraphs you can read and might get a peek into the way I am.

How do you let go after so long of holding onto an emotion like love for someone for what seems like half of my damn life? I am sitting here…listening to my best friend blab away on the phone. I can’t really hear him through these walls. It’s hard living with your best friend that you are in love with. I just don’t know how it is I can not hurt right now…but somehow I don’t. There is a long story I don’t really want to get into right now.

I feel a major change coming in the air…maybe it’s because I am moving on in my life and leaving behind some of the guilt and depression I have built up within me throughout these years of loving him and never having the chance to give or show love to them fully. And finally showing myself love instead and not relying on a wish and a prayer.

They always say you can’t bring a horse to water. I’ve tried everything in my power to show him that I am worthy of being loved, that I am the best thing since the invention of the goddamn wheel! It’s TRUE! I am THAT cool! Instead I am always the friend, and for years I beat myself up thinking I wasn’t good enough. Not but a few days ago I really looked over the whole situation and I should have never done that to myself. It’s not his or my fault he can’t see me in that light. Oh don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried…but every damn time he bypassed me and went for some crazy person…it drives me nuts!

And when it all comes crashing down I am there to help him back up and be his friend. And it’s so unbelievably hard not to show my feelings to him, yet he always see’s it anyway. And every time I feel like a complete fool. I guess I wear my heart on my sleeve and sometimes I pray I wish I could be a cold hard bitch and not be so emotional and open about whatever it is I am feeling from total disgust to love. People who know me…know what I am feeling usually just by looking at my face. It’s freakin’ disturbing!

In the end I just want to see all of us happy and it kills me that I have to learn how to let go of him and live my life. Cause obviously what I have been doing isn’t working, and will never work. But I know myself and I will always love him, how can you stop that? So to let go…I am so scared to just let go. Where will my heart go now? I don’t know…

Wow after reading that it makes me happy to see how far I have come emotionally from that certain situation. And you know being human is kinda hard being all emotional and on top of that hormonal female…next lifetime I wanna be a manly man man! Huge muscles and no heart. LOL Yeah right I’d probably still cry like a baby at feel good movies and cute puppy pictures! There is no hope for humans and the emotion of love, but there is always growth and learning. 🙂

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Undying hope…

I am finding out that the hardest thing to do when you love someone is not to worry about them. And I guess this could go for all types of “love” people feel for each other. I’m writing this about things I see my friends going through. Like a few close ones of mine are falling in “love” with people that are showing HUGE warning signs that they are not ready for a relationship, yet they keep going after it. One friend seems to be in love with someone who can’t stop being a pimp and the other seems to be in love with hmmm I just don’t know what to say about that one…all I know is I have had a bad feeling for awhile on that one. HAH! And I might try to say something about their situation to my friends…you know point some issues out to them because I do not want to see them get hurt. Nothing worse than having to sit there for hours upon days or even weeks and listen to your friend wail on and on about how much they love this person and they just don’t understand! It’s even worse that in the beginning you have to sit there and listen to them gush about how their “Booboo is the shit and they are soo cool!”, when you know in the pit of your stomach something just ain’t right…especially if they are getting hurt by that person and they aren’t even officially dating yet. They might’ve only screwed or made out once! C’MON PEOPLE! Don’t make me slap you!

But in the end I am going to sit there and listen, and while
doing so I am going to notice that I have done the same thing myself. And yeah even though sometimes I want to be snotty and say…”I told you so! IDIOT!” when it all goes to hell and they are crying on my shoulder…but I won’t. Why? Cause I am human. I just as easily as everyone else I have become or I should say had become blind to the things I know I should see…but can’t stand to because DAMNIT IT WILL WORK!

What is this undying hope for love all about? I mean how many times can someone go through heartbreak and yet still hang on to that feeling…and still end up getting hurt over and over again…and what is worse what if it’s the same person? I guess I might understand it when I am on my death bed. Some great light will come down and fill my soul with all knowing and then BAM I’ll be gone. HAH! And it won’t matter after that.

HAHAHHA Life cracks me up. Now to get back to work on some
stuff I’ve been meaning to do. Yay code, and nothing to do tonight. YEEHAW! I rather be playing pool or going to a movie right now. But with this storm who the hell wants to be on the road with people freaking out about a little bit of water on the streets? Ah but that is another blog for another day.

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Christmas Eve Thoughts & a song.

Christmas time for most is a great time for people to get together and be with family and friends. For me, it has become a smaller and smaller event as the years go by. I suppose it’s a natural thing; people come and go out of your life either by choice or death. Sometimes I act like I hate Christmas and the whole idea of it. Then again ask three or four of your peers I am sure one of them the first thing that will come out of their mouth is…”Christmas means I’ll get presents!” And it makes me sad to think that holidays & birthdays etc have turned into this “What am I going to get?” kind of attitude. Whatever happened to just celebrating those special occasions with the people you care about and love?

This year on the eve of Christmas I sat in my house, just me and the sounds this house makes and I thought about things going on in my life. I talked to my mom earlier in the day and had a funny conversation with a girlfriend of mine. Other than that I have had a lot of time alone. Not that I wanted to be alone, because that is the furthest thing from the truth. I would love to sit there with my mom and have hot cocoa and laugh about funny old stories or get into it about her health and the new things she has to learn when going to the blind school. There are even some old friends I would like to see too, but they are either too far away or super busy with plans. It happens.

Even as I am typing this I start to think about my family that is gone. You know my dad Rickie loved Christmas. Even when he was bed ridden from his strokes his eyes would light up brighter than those Christmas lights he loved (the ones that bubbled). He loved watching my mom put on her Santa hat and decorate the house. He might’ve even liked the Christmas music (begrudgingly like me…shhh don’t tell anyone!) Mom would start singing away in her untrained off kilter voice and me and dad would just laugh at her and I would have to join in. Then there is Grandma Margo, man she would just get into the shopping for Christmas. She would buy anything and everything for anyone she cared about. If that woman cared about you, she would give till her heart bled and she didn’t give a rat’s ass if you gave her a present back! She just loved to see the happiness in people’s eyes. Seriously she was an angel! And Grandpa Vernon would get into it too with her at times when he was in the mood. I remember all of us getting together in the huge old Cadillac’s (Goldie & Silverbell as they were named by Vernon & Margo) and heading off towards Candy Cane Lane to look at all the houses with Christmas lights blazing away. The lights were always done artsy like I guess you could say.

As you might be able to tell I am getting rather emotional, but I feel it is a good thing to remember and pay honor to the past by telling stories of your family that are gone. It helps you to remember who you are, and where I got some of my qualities from. So tonight I am going to lay in bed and stare out the window and pretend that red blinking light going across the night sky is really Rudolph and not some plane….

I was listening to this song earlier tonight and that is why I decided to write this. It’s a lovely song with a great message. In the beginning he says…”This is a song about appreciating what you have.” I posted the lyrics along with it. This song is really touching and makes me so happy to still have those people in my life I call friends & family. Merry Christmas to you all….*hugs*

“New York Minute”

Harry got up
Dressed all in black
Went down to the station
And he never came back
They found his clothing
Scattered somewhere down the track
And he won’t be down on Wall Street
in the morning

He had a home
The love of a girl
But men get lost sometimes
As years unfurl
One day he crossed some line
And he was too much in this world
But I guess it doesn’t matter anymore

In a New York Minute
Everything can change
In a New York Minute
Things can get pretty strange
In a New York Minute
Everything can change
In a New York Minute

Lying here in the darkness
I hear the sirens wail
Somebody going to emergency
Somebody’s going to jail
If you find somebody to love in this world
You better hang on tooth and nail
The wolf is always at the door

In a New York Minute
Everything can change
In a New York Minute
Things can get a little strange
In a New York Minute
Everything can change
In a New York Minute

And in these days
When darkness falls early
And people rush home
To the ones they love
You better take a fool’s advice
And take care of your own
One day they’re here;
Next day they’re gone

I pulled my coat around my shoulders
And took a walk down through the park
The leaves were falling around me
The groaning city in the gathering dark
On some solitary rock
A desperate lover left his mark,
“Baby, I’ve changed. Please come back.”

What the head makes cloudy
The heart makes very clear
The days were so much brighter
In the time when she was here
But I know there’s somebody somewhere
Make these dark clouds disappear
Until that day, I have to believe
I believe, I believe

In a New York Minute
Everything can change
In a New York Minute
You can get out of the rain
In a New York Minute
Everything can change
In a New York Minute

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Crazy

I want to sing this song to each and every one of you, then perhaps you would understand me. Perhaps you would know why you might hear me cry on the phone when I call. Or when you hear me sighing in the middle of the night. I admit I am a tad bit batty at times…and this song I would sing to you all. On my knee’s face raised to the moon and my voice echoing off unknowing faces of stone. All I feel is the cold of your glare, from eyes that once upon a time I had seen a fire…life, a spark even. So I would sing, oh gods would I sing to break that spell life has hold on you my friends. All of you.

I am not sititng here preaching to you all to have a group hug or anything. I am just tired, so fucking tired of a lot of things. And I WANT TO SING! I WANT TO FEEL! But I don’t want to do it alone. But I feel crazy and restless…who would want to sing with me and dance in this cold faint lighted moon mood…who would open their arms to everything and stand by me? Who would be crazy enought do that?

Ah well this is the song that got me in this frame of mind….

Crazy

Not sayin’
Not charmed at all
Not sayin’
that you weren’t worth
the fall
But I was alone when
I knew it was real
Down the canyon
when I knew I had come

To the line
Through the dawn
To the light
To the turn
When you said —

You could drive all night
Drive all night

So I let Crazy
take a spin
Then I let Crazy
settle in
Kicked off my shoes
Shut reason out
He said “first let’s just
unzip your religion down”

Found that I
I craved at all
Saw me melt
into your
native shelter
Where you carved my name
Paper tigers scare
and came

Alive
Through the dawn
To the light
To the turn
When you said —

You could drive
all night
Drive all night

So I let Crazy

take a spin
Then I let Crazy
settle in
Kicked off my shoes
Shut reason out
He said “first let’s just
unzip your religion down”
So I let Crazy

pull me in
Then I let Crazy
take his spin
Kicked off my shoes
Shut reason out
He said “first let’s just unzip your religion down”
Heard that you were once
Temptation’s Girl”

And as soon
as you have
rearranged the mess
in your head
He will show up looking
sane
perfectly sane
If I know Crazy


I know I have probably posted this song plenty of times in this blog or one of my damn blogs here on MyCrack errr I mean MySpace. I just love this song. It explains a lot about my heart I guess you could say…perhaps even my soul. My wandering lost soul….Crazy.